Notes From Self Digest #2: Spiraling
Finding new perspectives as life's questions circle back around
Welcome to Notes From Self, where my past and present selves converse across time. Each week, I revisit journal entries from seven years ago, sharing daily-ish reflections on Substack Notes about how these past writings echo in my current journey. This digest collects these time-traveling dialogues, creating a map of connections between who I was and who I'm becoming. I invite you to join this exploration of how our dots connect across time.
A few weeks into my Vienna adventure, I visited St. Stephen's Cathedral, the city's most iconic landmark. Playing tourist, I purchased an all-access pass that included entry to its two towers. The north tower offered an elevator ride to a gated platform with partial city views and also came with a long line of people waiting for the easy way up. But the south tower, which required you to work for its views, had no wait at all.
343 steps worth of work…
If you’ve ever visited one of these old cathedrals, you know the types of steps I’m talking about — narrow, winding stone steps spiraling upward through a cramped, centuries-old passageway. No handrails. Uneven treads. And you have to navigate them while paying attention to others coming up behind you or descending from above.
My out-of-shape 47-year-old body gasped for breath as the confined space triggered flickers of anxiety. I tried counting steps to reassure my nervous system of progress, but my brain was more interested in taking in breath.
Luckily, the tower wasn't overly crowded, allowing occasional moments to pause and collect myself. Several times, I glimpsed what appeared to be the end, only to discover yet another set of spiral stairs stretching upward. The few actual platforms provided brief respite, though they inevitably filled with other climbers, forcing me onward.
Each platform led to false hopes of being "almost there," only to reveal new doorways with, of course, more steps.
When I finally reached the top, I felt a twinge of disappointment. Unlike the north tower, this one was completely enclosed. The panoramic views of Vienna were indeed breathtaking (a different kind than what I'd experienced on the climb), but they were framed by four sets of narrow windows facing each cardinal direction.
After capturing a few photos at each vantage point, there was nothing left but to face those same 343 dizzying, uneven steps…downward. This perspective may have been scarier than the ascent.
Reading over my “Notes From Self” from this week, I was reminded of this experience.
If I ever needed proof that time isn't linear, this exercise of looking back at my past self confirms it. Life moves more like that spiral staircase — just when you think you've reached a platform of understanding or completion, you discover another set of steps to climb.
My past self was asking "Where will I be living at the end of summer?" while my present self wonders "Where will I be in July?" It might seem like the same questions repeating, life circling back on itself. But with each turn of the spiral, each platform I reach, I gain new understanding and a slightly wider perspective. The horizon isn't always clear, but I can see further than I could before.
Some journeys — whether up ancient cathedral towers or through seasons of life — can't be fully mapped before they're taken. The question mark isn't something to solve but to embrace. And so we keep on climbing, one uneven step at a time, trusting that the views along the way, though partially obscured and requiring effort to access, are what make the journey worthwhile.
Keep on climbing.
Note From Self #7
I feel the need to double down right now. You never know what life is going to bring you. So you have to live it while you can. Stop waiting to live it. — Maghan, April 2018
I wrote this with a lot more boldness than I was feeling at the time. But boldness was what I needed. Sure, there were other examples from my past I could have drawn from to remind myself that I was capable of stepping into unknown situations but this was the first time it was of my own doing, something out of the ordinary or expected. It was a deliberate choice to disrupt my entire pattern of playing it safe.
And I didn't know what life would bring at the end of that summer — including the loss of my aunt, one of my biggest supporters. She saw me doing something she could have only dreamed of and consistently encouraged me to take the time, figure things out, to create a life that brought me happiness.
Did my actions always match these brave words? No, not even close. But I can also give myself credit for all the ways they did.
It also strikes me now that this boldness stemmed from a defiance, a need to claim agency. Yes, life can unpredictably bring sadness, difficulty, and loss.But life also, just as unexpectedly, can bring wonder, joy, and magic.
Either way, you can’t know what’s coming, so all you can do is live.
Note From Self #8
Question: Where am I living at the end of the summer? — Maghan, April 2018
Same past me, same.
Actually, I’m curious where me and the grey fur ball will be living in July.
When I came over to Europe last month I only planned to stay in Vienna for 2 months and then planned on finding a new city to explore. After a week or two here I decided that simply wasn’t enough time in this magnificent city and decided to extend another month. Now I’m wondering if that’s even enough.
I still long to explore but perhaps I’ll find a way to do that after finding a place to call home.
So if anyone knows of anything in Vienna….
PS: The grey fur ball in question seems to be settling in just fine.
Note To Self
I interrupt these notes from self for an important reminder:
I make the rules here
I skipped my Note From Self on Tuesday. I was beating myself up about it until I realized I made the “rules” for this experiment and I can adjust them.
When I shared this with a friend he responded:
Sounds like a Note to Self right there...
Perhaps I’ll need to switch between notes from past self and notes to present/future me.
Another reminder that I make the rules here. 🤓
Note From Self #9
But the end typically doesn’t live up to the vision in my head - these super high expectations in my head. So even good isn’t good enough. I can’t take the compliment because I never feel like I earn it because I expect more. — Maghan, April 2018
When past you drops in with a truth bomb…
These patterns continue to play out and continue to hold me back. As frustrating as it is to recognize this, it’s also empowering because once you see it you can do something about it.
Here I was referencing a presentation I gave at work in my final months there and had a hard time accepting a compliment because in my head it didn’t meet up to some unrealistic standards I set for myself.
Over the last few months I’ve been attempting to just come to the page, let my thoughts flow, without an outline, without a vision of the end result. Just see what comes up and let it come out. Isn’t that what this whole NFS exercise is all about?
Note From Self #10
Even in writing this speech I was trying to figure out the very end so I could write the middle. — Maghan, April 2018
Actually, I think I was trying to figure out the start.
Starting with the end in mind is decent advice when trying to write a presentation, a sales page, or, depending on your writing style, it might be how you approach works of fiction.
But life doesn’t work that way. Here I was writing my introductory Toastmasters speech, and the story I chose to tell was what was going on real time — my decision to quit, to take the summer off, and see what happened.
But in writing the speech I think I was trying to find the happy ending so I could reverse engineer things and fill in the part that was between me and it.
But it’s hard to fill in the dots leading to a question mark.
Spiraling Up
The term "spiraling" often has a negative connotation, indicating someone has lost control. But as I'm realizing, life can also send us in spirals upward. Yes, we might circle back around on what seems to be the same issue, challenge, or question but with gained insight and perspective that might have us consider it in a new way.
I may not know (yet) where I'm going to be living come July but I do know I'll figure it out. I might not know exactly how it will all come together but I can take the next step with a little more confidence than I had when I asked a similar question seven years ago.
What questions in your life keep circling back? What wisdom have you gained that makes this turn of the spiral different from the last?
Until next week's notes,
Maghan
I hope you keep sharing these, Maghan. They are lovely to read. I feel lucky to share in your experience and learn with and from you.