Notes From Self Digest #4: What Were You Expecting?

When preconceived notions meet lived experience

Welcome to Notes From Self, where my past and present selves converse across time. Each week, I revisit journal entries from seven years ago, sharing daily-ish reflections on Substack Notes about how these past writings echo my current journey. This digest collects these time-traveling dialogues, creating a map of connections between who I was and who I'm becoming. I invite you to join this exploration of how our dots connect across time.

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I didn't expect to start this European adventure in Vienna. I didn't expect to stay more than two months. I certainly didn’t expect to move here long-term.

It was supposed to be Amsterdam — the place I fell in love with 10 years ago.

But as life does, it had other plans. The Netherlands proved too expensive for my initial budget, so I reluctantly opened myself to other possibilities. My sister, who’s been living in Europe for over five years, sent me a list of other cities she thought I'd enjoy, along with a loving nudge: "You never know, you might fall in love with a different place."

I resisted. No way, I thought. Amsterdam. It's got to be Amsterdam.

Except…

Except I didn’t expect Vienna to charm me, confound me, and inspire me as it has.

I expected narrow canal houses, not grand Habsburg palaces.

I expected to walk along Amsterdam's canal ring, not Vienna's Donaukanal.

I expected to feel dumbstruck when someone started talking to me in another language.

Okay, this expectation proved correct — just German not Dutch.

I expected Van Gogh and Rembrandt, not Mozart and Strauss.

Stroopwafels and aged gouda, not schnitzel and strudel.

Yet here I am, in a place where nothing — except maybe the language barrier — is like I expected.

Reading my 2018 journal I see how past me had expectations too. Some expectations she was starting to let go of, like the expectation that life would be a linear path where you had to earn the next promotion, climb the next rung, follow the prescribed steps to success.

Some expectations were hidden in every anxious question I journaled back then, as I tried desperately to predict what would come next after I let go of all I knew.

That’s the challenge of expectations. They can only be based on what we know.

Earlier this year, I 'knew' Amsterdam. I had done the research, spent time there on vacation a decade before, and again in 2023 on a three-week trial run. I knew what to expect.

But all I knew of Vienna was that it existed. I had never been, never considered it until my sister sent me her list. And even after booking my flight and temporary Airbnb, it remained an unknown entity. I had no idea what to expect.

And maybe that's exactly why it worked. Without preconceived notions, without a detailed mental picture of how things should unfold, I was free to experience Vienna as it actually was versus requiring it to meet (or fail) some set of expectations.

A lesson I had to learn back in 2018, one I continue to learn, is that at the end of the day, it’s not the expectation that matters but the experience.

Note From Self #16

I keep questioning myself - feeling like I’m stepping into the next level at work and I’m sure I would have been promoted by now (if I hadn’t resigned). — Maghan, April 2018

This version of me didn’t want that promotion even if it had been offered (and it should have been.)

But it was the measure of success I knew then, so it became yet another reason to question leaving. Not just because I was unsure of what was to come but what I knew I would be giving up.

Yes, I was worried about all the unknowns, but my mental pro/con lists were full of known factors and hypotheses based on my limited viewpoint.

Helpful, but only up to a point.

There’s no way to know what my life would look like today had I decided to stay on my original path. What I would or wouldn’t have, feel, desire.

But I like what my life does look like today. That’s not a reflection of that one decision, but of all the choices I’ve made since.

I'm learning to catch myself when I tether my choices to only what I can see, remembering that the most important variables are often the ones not yet on my list.

Note From Self #16 Part 2

And a few more lines down the page…

…own that you are walking away to carve your own path. That is success.

Sit with that a second, Haggerty.

Note From Self #17

What I need now is to focus on me. Not the expectation of me. Not Maghan, the Account Director but Maghan. Where is she? What is she bringing? What does she have to bring? Let’s find out. — Maghan, April 2018

Better question: What does she need?

She was not (is not) a different person. New learnings and insights would come through new experiences, but she would bring the same natural abilities and talents that all previous versions of her had.

Now directed towards something new.

But 7-year-ago Maghan hadn’t quite figured this out. She thought she had to search for them, not realizing they were hidden in plain sight.

And, didn't yet realize that it wasn’t about what she was capable of bringing that she needed to figure out but what she needed in order to do so.

Our gifts, our talents, those best parts of us, they have needs.

Address the need and you won’t have to force the contribution.

Note From Self #18

Can I do a full summer? Will I want to? Will I get bored? Will I get lazy? Will I lose my edge? Do I have an edge? How will this change me? How will this help me? How will this hurt me? What will I learn? What happens at the end? Do I stop asking myself? — Maghan, April 2018

Yes, you can do a full summer and will.

Yes, you’ll want more time but life had other plans.

Bored? Sometimes. But mostly you’ll find small and big adventures to take. You’ll allow yourself time to explore things you didn’t even know were waiting for you.

Lazy? The work you’ll do this summer will be anything but easy — even if on the surface it looks like rest and play.

Edge? What edge? Also, no edge required.

Change you? Not at all and in every possible way. Past versions of you come along for the ride, just as you have joined me as I’ve stretched across continents and comfort zones. And we’ll go along for the ride with some future iteration of us.

We change while holding on to what is.

Helped? This experience helped you realize how brave, resilient, and adaptable you were (still are). That you have the ability to figure things out when you need to.

Yes, there would be painful moments with strained relationships and bank accounts. The money part was just logistics; the relationship part cut deeper but taught you lasting lessons about what truly matters.

You’ll learn countless lessons. Lessons you’re still benefiting from 7 years later.

The end of what? It’s still unfolding.

And no, never stop asking questions.

Note From Self #19

I want all the answers but at the same time, I want none. I want to let this lead me somewhere. It’s a strange feeling for me. But I’m going to take it and run with it. — Maghan, April 2018

Big changes, stepping into the unknown, will inevitably cause this oscillation between needing all the answers and needing none.

Both extremes based out of fear, but at the center is trust.

Not a blind faith, but a curiosity about what could be. Allowing things to unfold so you can move accordingly.

Seven years later, I still dance between these extremes but continue to look for the place trust lives. That space where I can plan as best as I can but be ready to adjust when life shows its hand.

The secret is in the waiting while holding space for both the fear and the possibility.

Note From Self #20

I’m so eager to start what comes next. I want to stop focusing so much on the now. I know I can’t though. Can‘t skip steps. But I do need to start slowly distancing myself so I’m not running to catch up with myself later. — Maghan, April 2018

Who says you can’t skip steps sometimes?

Whose steps would you have been skipping anyway?

Wasn’t it you who added in those extra t’s to cross and i’s to dot?

You who wrote a detailed manual when a simple checklist would have sufficed?

Weren’t you the one giving a mile when they only wanted the inch?

You had wanted to leave things in a better state than you had found them.

And you’d done your job well.

It was time to let go. We were already waiting for you.

What Are You Expecting?

To Expect:

To regard something as likely to happen. (Anticipate)

To require something as rightfully due. (Demand)

To regard as likely. (Assume)

To hope for, or aspire to, a goal or dream. (Intend)

This exploration into past expectations has me considering where they are at play in my current life.

What expectations am I continuing to hold on to consciously or unconsciously? Which have I imposed on myself and which have I adopted as my own? Which are helping me and which are holding me back?

Expectations can fuel us forward or overwhelm us into paralysis. They can help us prepare or keep us from seeing what's actually emerging.

The question isn't whether expectations are good or bad but rather, where they might be keeping us from experiencing life as it actually is.

Where are you carrying expectations that might be worth examining? What assumptions have you made based on what is already known?

And what might become possible if you allowed the experience regardless of the expectations?

Until next week's notes,

Maghan